I am open to be Criticized so please rate this. (begining of my novel) {that i least hope to be}?

After the war had ended everything had changed for common people. From Curfews to lock-downs. The world was a new place, No, not the world but just us. America. The world had turned against us. We had nearly started a nuclear war and had actually fired one on ourselves. We looked like retards compared to what we used to be, and now we’re trying to make up for lost cause. Me and my brother where watching the evening news on channel 7 with our back-packs still on. We did this every day after school while we waited for mom to get back from her second job at the local buffet down the block. We would sometimes stop by to say hello on our way home but often didn’t because her boss was not so keen on us just walking in as he say’s. so we watched the news with john Moreno and carol Shaws to see the latest news. We often would get a snack as well but not today. Today they where releasing the latest law, they would have new ones almost every other month. Then carol said “and in the latest news they have enforced a new law that will change everything we do…after these commercials.” me and my brother sighed. It was as if the news was now American idol I had remembered my mom had once said she wanted to look like carol. My mom was the average looking 34 year old with long curly red hair so red it looked purple in the dark. She had a fine cheek line and chin, she was about 5 feet tall and 7 inches. She was very lean so much she could look 20 if she tried hard enough like she did when she went to the bar to get dates. She had gone there every other weekend since my fathers death. We had tried not to talk about it much we had grieved and passed on long ago. We didn’t like he going to the bar but she did, what was odd was she never brought any one home and was always back at exactly 11:30 with a dead rose. She thought we where asleep but we would just quietly sneak our way through the kitchen to see her and then walk up rubbing our eyes and acting tired saying “hey, sorry I woke, I love you and good night.” then walk to our room and lay down and try to go to sleep staring at our wall. My brother basically owned the room, the only thing that was mine was my bed and dresser filled with clothes in random drawers. He had posters all around with band names like Pink Floyd and led zepplin, I was never to fond of that gene of music though. Our room was the basic shape and only had one window near the door on the opposing wall which my brother had faceted with tin-foil to stop light since he said “it made the room look cooler” I personally did not agree with him but he was older so he over ruled me. The main light source was his mass amounts of lava lamps old and new that he collected. He had one that I really liked it was a tall and slender blue based lamp with dark orange lava and a greenish colored water inside, with the initials ELO written it dark lettering along with in a lighter tone light years written below it, I had just guessed it was probably another band that I would also probably not like as well. Than I heard “and now back to channel 7 news with carol and john! So, john what is the new law?” said that low announcer voice you always heard. “well, the government has announced that all public vehicles must now have an Air lock and three 46 hour oxygen tank as well with compressor in case another nuclear incident occurs.” john said as a picture of a oxygen tank showed on the screen. “yes, and also our city busses will be some of the first affected by this new law, but don’t worry the tanks are not noticeable and only turn on if the emergency switch which has been hooked to all drivers is pressed and will not stop until oxygen runs out.” carol soon said following. “hey! Maybe tomorrow we could ride them!” before I could answer carol then said “and, in buss news buss #4A route will be different due to heavy construction on the west Salem bridge. The route will now go through river road and back. But don’t worry only vehicles over 6 tons can not cross the bridge so only no busses, heavy load trucks and trucks with boats or anything of that sort can not pass” “well, looks I got to go fishing next week huh, carol” john replied. They both laughed. “hey, see we could take route 4a and just hang out on the buss” my brother proclaimed my Older brother Michael; was 15 and had shaggy brown hair, he was about 5’7’’ and had deep brown eyes. His hair was often very greasy or as he just said oily. Me on the other hand I was 10 at the time and was about 5’4’’ , unlike my brother I had only about two inches of hair contrast to his seven or nine inches. I had very intricate hazel green eyes. My brother had hair covering his ears my hair was basically buzzed except the clunk of hair up front that slowly decided closer to the back. His hair was more…free spirited. Just by looking at him you could tell he did and what he liked and had fun doing it. When you saw me I could say you saw a young boy who loves his family and relies on the world for my actions. “yeah, I guess that’d be fun” I replied “sweetness nick!” my brother yelled at me settled. We then heard the doors handle jingle. I ran towards the door at full speed to see my mom right as she walked in. my brother sat there just as before watching the news talking something about flood season. “hey, honey. Did you do your homework?” my mom sad as I hugged her tightly. “yep! And me and Michael are going to go ride the city buss tomorrow after school is that okay with you?” I said as I let go and looked out the window. “hmm, okay but make sure you’re careful” she replied unsteadily. “has the weather come on yet?” she than said. “Yeah mum! Heavy rain tomorrow than sunny so possible floods. But Portland’s aquarium is shutting down I guess” my brother shouted from the other end of the house, he eavesdropped a lot, and frankly he was quite good at it. “thanks Michael” she said with a laugh in her tone. “EAVESDROPPER!” I yelled across the room. “inside voice! and go to your room!” my mom said because I did that, her tone went from happy to just plain mad. I marched to my room, “but,” I tried to negotiate. “no buts, GO, or it will be your butt.” my mom yelled at me. I almost wanted to say I thought you said inside voice? but didn’t because I knew what would happen. I sat there listening to my mother and Michael laugh. I was just stating the facts right? I had nothing else better to do so I just decided to turn the radio on. Than a burst of music came at me like a wave. “SEA OF SORROW, MIND OF DESTRUCTION TASTE.” a loud voice yelled. Alice in chains. I scrambled to find the off switch, I pound a small switch, I flicked it. Worst idea, I read it right before it did what it was supposed to. Mega Bass. My brother like l\loud music. And when he was babysitting he would turn it up so loud, sometimes one of his lava lamp would shake and often fall, but not even him would press that. “YOU WILL, WILL, WILL, WILL, NOT,T,T,T” the mass vibration from the bass even caused the C.D it was playing to skip. Next thing I knew I was on the ground on my knee’s holding my ears. My eyes where squinted but I could still se my brother run in and press a un-conveniently small button on the left side with that power sign you saw every-where. “I told you never to touch my stereo!” he quickly yelled at me. I sat there. I noticed I was sobbing, but managed to say “Sorry! I didn’t mean to do that.” before I could finish my excuse my mother came in.

I am open to be Criticized so please rate this. (begining of my novel) {that i least hope to be}?
1. Why is this in Philosophy? Because Immanuel Kant used 300 sentence paragraphs, too?





2. Have you tried to get any critiques from writers, teachers, editors, or other writing professionals?





If the answer to # 2 is no, then please speak to one about your writing. This is not the proper forum.
Reply:Its interesting but a little jumpy from one things to another
Reply:It seems like an interesting premise, but frankly the writing is sub-par. I does not flow very well and also the characters don't really jump out at me.
Reply:This is...interesting. I admire your creativity, but you need to work on delivery.





You need to work mostly on organization. The best suggestion I can make is to take all of the information you want to include and arrange it in an outline. If you don't know how to outline, talk to your English teacher. The way it is now jumps from one subject to another completely unrelated subject, to another, to yet another, and then back to the original thought. Very confusing.





Also, when organizing your outline, you need to keep in mind the general layout of a plot, which includes the opening, the body, the conclusion, and common threads throughout the book. Try to keep common ideas together to create unity and interest.





Remember; when you talk, you need to stop and take a breath now and again. In writing, those needed breaks are given by breaking the story into paragraphs. The momentary pause it takes your eyes to go from the end of one paragraph and focus on the first letter of the next gives you a mental "breath" and lets your brain relax momentarily to absorb what you've written.





See what I mean? ;) I've included a website with some very good information about writing and publishing a novel. I wish you the best of luck...always follow your dreams!!





Blessings
Reply:A bit rambly. You do need to organize, focus and minimize your point(s). Paragraphs and proper spelling will help as well.





You've got to do your best to write only as much as you need to make your main point and/or achieve the goal of the story.





In what you have written above, there is no clue as to what your story is about. Local news, politicians making foolish laws, the downfall of society, your mom character's love life, your typically annoying brother character . . . Your main character?





It's too much of a jumble as it is.