Married 5 years, Sister in Law causing conflict, what should I do?

My husband found his long lost baby sister 2 years ago and since then she has moved 15 miles from us to attend college. Although she is living on campus my husband has taken her under is wing. He tries to be a big brother, father and friend to her. His sister has an attitude out of this world. She spoiled and feels that the world and everyone around owes her something for all that she's been through in life. The problem is that his sister has a major problem acknowledging me over the phone. When she calls the house to ask for something she says, "Is MY brother there" or "Is MYnephews there". She doesn't say, "Hello, how are you doing, Can I speak to my brother". This is causing a conflict between my husband and I because I feel that she totally disrespects me by refusing to acknowledge me. However, I've expressed this to him on several occassions and he's brought it to her attention. (Note: My husband is very passive) .She claims that she doesn't mean any harm by it...it's just how she is.This would be fine if my husband didn't bring her over MY house to wash clothes, eat MY food, take her grocery shopping in MYcar and use money out of OUR joint account to do things for her. I feel that if someone is doing that for you, you owe it to them to show them enough respect to speak. My husband seems to think that I'm overacting because I don't want him do for her anymore using our resources. He's not going to cut her off and he's going to continue to do for her using our resources. This is something that burns me up to no end. He has expressed to me that if we were to get a divorce, no one would be the cause of it, but this is something that I can't seem to get over. It feels like he's saying, "forget what you are saying wife, this is MY sister and I'm going to do what I can to help whether you like it or not... So get over it" I don't know how to handle this situation. I can't excuse his sister because she only 19 year old b/c she isfully aware of what she does. She's gotten in trouble at school several time and she is lucky that her brother was here to bail her out, because she would have been stuck if he wasn't. I know that my husband doesn't want to ruin the new relationship that he formed with his little sister, but he going to ruin the one he has with his wife. Can you please help out!!!!

Married 5 years, Sister in Law causing conflict, what should I do?
It may be just how she is...she does not know when she's disrespecting someone. But that does not give her an excuse for continuing the behavior. Your husband needs to put his foot down and let his sister know that she needs to start respecting his family. He is the root of the problem, if he does not confront her on the issues that you are having then it will continue. You and the children are his first priority.





I would give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't set her straight then you will.
Reply:if i were you,,, I'd back off.


what i would do is absolutely nothing. i would not help her or acknowledge her in any way.


look at the caller id if she calls when your husband is not home don't answer the call.


he will continue to "help" her until he finds that he is being used.


like all things, this will not go on forever!
Reply:Tell him he needs to let his sister grow up and he needs to be with his family. She is 19yrs old she is old enough to take care of herself. She needs to quit causing problems between you two. He needs to wake up sounds like he is about to lose his family.
Reply:Maybe she's not really his sister. Maybe they are just telling you that as a cover for their affair. Damn, that's brilliant!
Reply:She is not the problem, your husband is....You sit him down and discuss the rules....Otherwise you will end up divorced.....
Reply:Sorry to hear about your stressful and aggravating situation. You probably feel powerless and believe your marriage is on the line if you push the issue further. I think your husband needs to do things in moderation when it comes to his sister. You are his wife and he needs to respect you and your reasonable wishes. He should put you first and not 2nd. Good luck
Reply:When she asks for her brother tell her your husband is there, would she like to speak to him, and laugh. When she asks for her nephew tell her your son is there and laugh.


You have to find some humor in the situation and not let her see that this is bothering you or it will continue forever. If she thinks you are over it then she will quit, as she is just a manipulator. She thinks that if she gets rid of you then she will have brother and his money all to herself. You are more mature than her so you have to learn to short circuit her little ploys by beating her to the punch. Tell your husband he should buy her a car, an apartment, a washer and dryer, and anything else you can think of. He will start seeing that he is going overboard if you push him in that direction, but if you pull him back then she will win every time.
Reply:Hubs is definately in the wrong here. A wife's feelings and opinions ALWAYS come before any other family member.


Little sister needs to learn some manners and address you with the respect you deserve considering you are financing so much of her wants %26amp; needs. She would also do well to HELP OUT at your house as a way to repay the kindness you are both showing her. Hubs needs to wake up to the fact that, since he doesn't really know this sister (IS that correct?), it is more than likely she is simply taking advantage of a good situation.


Either way, for talk of divorce to even be brought up by hubs is a red flag for you to consider about him. Maybe this is a time to re-evaluate the marriage if he's so willing to bring up divorce because of your reaction to the sister's 'needs'. I don't mean to stir up trouble, but he MUST put YOUR concerns first!


Put a stop to him using YOUR money that YOU earn to help this girl as a signal that you are VERY serious about this situation. If he protests, just repeat to him what you've already said: you do not approve of what he is doing. Then sit back %26amp; see what he does.. No fighting, no harsh words - actions will tell you exactly what you need to know. Then you can act appropriately - whether it is to divorce him AND his little sister, or to benignly accept Hubs back into your loving embrace - MINUS little sister's influence.


Please understand that helping her isn't wrong, just that certain proprioties must be observed. #1 being YOUR FEELINGS. Best of Luck!
Reply:WELL I THINK THAT SHE IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU AND SINCE YOU HAVE WENT TO YOUR HUSBAND 1ST AND HE FAILED TO FIX THE PROBLEM THE NEXT TIME SHE CALLED I WOULD SAY THIS IS MY PHONE AND ITS MY MONEY AND MY CAR THAT HE USES TO HELP YOU AND IF YOU CANT CALL HERE AND RESPECT ME AND MY HOUSE THEN MAYBE I WONT ALLOW YOU TO SPEAK TO MY HUSBAND AND I WONT ALLOW HIM TO HELP YOU WITH OUR RESOURCES EVER AGAIN AND SLAM THE PHONE DOWN WHEN YOUR HUSBAND ASKS ABOUT IT I'D SAY WELL I GAVE YOU THE CHANCE AND YOU COULDNT HANDLE THIS SO I HAVE HANDLED IT THANK YOU I KNOW THIS IS RUDE BUT SHE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL IDIOT MAYBE SUMMIN IS GOIN ON WITH THEM HOPE THIS HELPS YOU GOD BLESS GOOD LUCK
Reply:Sounds to me like he is over compensating out of guilt . If he is passive like you say then it is going to be very hard for him to say something to her about it...he basically wants to try and keep the peace and try to make everyone happy...which he clearly not.


i think it's good that he wants to do for his sister but he defiantly has to grow a set and stand up for you
Reply:Tough situation, my friend. Seems like you're stuck in the middle, hands and feet tied. Well, there is nothing you can do about her attitude. You have to realize she is not going to change, that's the way it is. Sadly. That have been said, you can let your husband know that you support his relationship with her but you cannot afford her in the little things she's using/spending in your budget. She's not a child anymore and she can be adult enough to go to the local laundromat and buy her own stuff. I take that if she's adult enough to go to college (not pre school anymore), than she can stand on her 2 feet. That's ok to maybe invite her over for dinner once in a while, but something like that has got to stop. That's way too much "sibling love" on the cost of your marriage and your family budget. People can get expensive now. She can be that type of person that takes a little bit here and there and then pretty soon she's moved into your house and kicked you out of it like it's nothing. You can only do so much for people. Many of which love to take a free ride on you. And that's not fair. What would he feel like if it was a long lost brother and he was using and taking stuff from you guys? He probably would not appreciate that. I hope you guys can get into an agreement before it's too late. My heart goes out to you.
Reply:Honey if he doesnt handle this then take matters into your own hands. You've clearly expressed how you feel about the matter and hes neglecting it and it is very disrespectful.The next time she calls make her azz speak. When she says let me speak to my brother I would respond "Im fine and how are you today?" continue before she can get anything out and say "Thanks for asking hold on while I get your brother". Be sarcastic with her and maybe she'll get the hint. I dont think this is something to start talking divorce over because shes a person just like you and as long as you let her run you over she will. Try approaching her over the phone like this at least 2xs and if she still dont get it then tell her you feel. Tell her "Look I dont mean any harm but when you call this house dont be so rude atleast spaek to me because I am the women of this house" Try that and see how it works..hope I helped..
Reply:I'm sorry to say this, but I have a feeling that you have a problem acknowledging her as your sister in law. Don't over react with all the MY's, you are the mature one here.


Probably you SIL is feeling jealous as she got her brother for 2 yrs only and there is another woman in his life. She's trying to put you on the offensive and she's winning. If she calls and says that she wants to talk to MY nephews, just tell her yes (name) and (name) are here. And when she says my brother, just say (hubby's name) is here, hang on.





About your joint account, if it's not much and you can afford it,just close an eye. If it was your sis or brother, wouldn't you have done the same thing.





She will change in time, once she sees that it doesn't affect you and it's bouncing back to her.
Reply:I understand where your coming from but, your response and reaction to her behavior( a 19 yr old) is being a little childish. You want your husband to cut her off from your resources that are joint if she doesn't do what you want. Your not going to control this situation.





If it was me for my husband's sake and the fact that your sis in law is 19 with issues I would say Hi_______ it's ______ I am doing good how are you? before you put him or the kids on the phone.





Your sister in law has lots of issues you could not expect her to know how to act and socialize with family she never had.


Try and have a little patience with her.
Reply:Well you know, I think he's just trying to make up for lost time, and show that he cares about her.....but if him spending ya'lls money on her and supporting her....I think that if its putting a burdon on ya'll....then it needs to stop!! And, me being the very outspoken person that I am....i would confront her with the situation of her acknowledging you. I have 2 bro in laws, 1 sister, and 5 little sister in laws. My husbands sister, is very close to me in age. Im 24 and she's 21...so she doesnt acknowledge me as her "sis in law".....and I know she's not being rude by it....she just calls me "her brothers wife"....but now my other sis in laws...they range in the ages of 19-10...and I say they are my sisters and they call me sissy. And Ive only met them twice. She might not be trying to be rude or disrespectful so I would confront her myself. I think your husband might be trying to make up for lost time through financial means. Why dont you take the first step in trying to befriend her. Are you feeling like she's taking your husband away from you? Maybe its a jealousy issue. IDK
Reply:Well, I can help you with the bad phone manners. When she asks "is my brother there?" say yes. Nothing more and wait. She will then have to ask to speak to him. If she says nothing then ask " was that all?" If she say yes, then tell her that it was nice of her to call and hang up. If she gets rude cut her off saying a pot is boiling over and you'll have to call her back. She's pulling this crap because she can. She knows he values the relationship and she is testing your patience. Do not let her win.
Reply:first off its not YOUR money, house, car, washer/dryer. its both you and your husbands. I think your over reacting, this seems like it may just be how his sister is, I think your jealous and kinda seem like she should kiss your @ss or something...seriously who cares is she calls saying "is my bro there" If he wants to spend little on his sister you should not be upset about it even if you dont like the sister....its his blood, and he just got to have a relationship with her so lay off them both! As for her getting into trouble your not her mother so dont treat her like your child...she gets in trouble then let her get out of it.
Reply:When she calls, just start chatting with her. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable just talking to you? He's only known her for 2 years, and you're not even a blood relative. If I were you, I would try talking to her and trying to be a friend that's there for her. Maybe she'll start to open up a bit more. When she calls and asks for HER brother, just say oh he's right here, by the way, whats going on/how are you doing, etc.? If that still doesn't work, just tell him that he needs to choose you over his sister. Come on, it's not really even a brother's "responsibility" to provide EVERYTHING for her....she's a grown woman...19 years old. You need to let him know that not only is she already extremely spoiled, but him catering to her every need isn't helping matters, especially when she doesn't even respect you. He's gone this long without her, and if she gets mad, she'll get over it.